July 23rd, 2010 by IamDraven

First of all I’d like to say that I couldn’t have made this shit up if I TRIED!

Full moon is near, and think what you will, but we definitely see a change in patients in the health care setting. 

So far today:

I’ve been screamed at by multiple people because they walked right past registration and came to the lab.  I told them that they needed to go back out to be registered and I can’t do that for them and they go off on me.  (I love my job, I love my job…)

 One gentleman had finished screaming at me about the VNA and wasn’t happy when I said, “I understand your concerns sir, but we’re just the lab.  We perform the tests.  We are not affiliated with the VNA and their practices, you would have to call them and complain to their supervisor.”  Then on top of that I had to make him go out to registration.  The gentleman in the wheelchair who was waiting for him to return made small talk with me.  He was telling me about a cable channel he liked and asked me if I watched channel # 14. I told him that I didn’t know what channel that was.  I explained that Comcast doesn’t bring cable out my way so I have Dish Network.  He said that it sounded expensive and asked if my husband paid for it.  I told him that I did not have a husband.  His eyes narrowed and he appeared deep in thought and said, “you’re one of them whatachcallits aren’t ya?’  It took me a second and then I stared him down.

“You mean a lesbian sir?

“Yeah, one of them lesbians that likes girls.”

“Well sir, I’m 30 and without a husband, I guess that must make me a lesbian.”

***

 Then came the patient who screamed at me using some of my favorite obscenities all because he wanted a test done that his doctor didn’t order.  He came through the window at me and I calmly called security to have him removed as he shook his glucose meter at my head.  I prayed for his fingers to loosen on the case as he shook it menacingly at my head because if it hit me, #1 assaulting a health care worked is a FELONY and #2 I could clean his fucking clock and it would be self defense.

But security showed up, and I remained the bigger person, even though I was wondering if I could launch a stapler and hit the target.

***

 Not to mention the man with a his ‘girl’ who could have been his daughter from yesterday.  We do semen analysis here.  For fertility issues, and also to make sure a vasectomy took.  They are only done M-F 7:30a-9:30a.  Yesterday around 3p a very filthy, unbathed, reeking of body odor couple came in to drop off a specimen.  As I was reading his paperwork he put a prescription pill container on my desk that contained his semen.  It left a ring on the counter, and had stick fingerprints on it.  While trying not to vomit I informed then that it needed to be in a sterile container and asked if it was for a vasectomy.  At this point the younger girl spoke up and said, “We’ze tryin’ to make a baby.”  I left to get them a fertility kit and came back out to a co worker informing them that they needed to wait at least three days without sex to do the study.  They complained that they couldn’t wait that long.  The guy was so obese that his shirt was only buttoned directly under his man tits and his hairy, sweaty boobs were bulged out above the button and his pregnant appearing stomach lurched over his pants and his shirt fluttered on either side of it  And there, tucked in his shirt pocket was that bottle of cum.  After I hustled them out of the area I gloved up, wiped every surface I could reach with cavicide wipes and sprayed down the area with air neutralizer from the bathrooms.  I was thinking to myself that if they couldn’t conceive perhaps that was God’s way of telling them their gene pool needed chlorine.

 ***

But what really got to me was the woman who was here for a P2 pregnancy test because her body was threatening to miscarry.  At the same time there was a pregnant teenager in the waiting room bitching about being pregnant.  My heart went out to the woman who was in danger of losing her baby. 

Now, I’m stringent about my birth control, but it’s also entirely possible that I’m sterile.  I’ve battled cervical cancer twice and had surgeries for it.  My gyn told me at me last exam my cervix looks great, but if I want to conceive, and I’m able to they would need to take special precautions.  I think that’s just another sign of God telling me I should breed.  Too bad other people who shouldn’t er procreating don’t pay attention to such signs.

February 23rd, 2010 by IamDraven

Technically this could be a N.B.T., or a Quityerbitchin’ (Healthcare) but I’m going to use it as a Need A Laugh? and a commentary instead,

Does Takeru Kobyashi look like he’s choking?

In case you haven’t heard there is a big push from Pediatricians calling for hot dogs and other ‘choke happy’ foods to carry warning labels or have their shapes changed. 

Now don’t get me wrong.  I have seen and worked on chocking children.  It is not pretty.  It’s even uglier when they don’t survive.  But a lot of it is idiot parents.  Why are you giving a two year old toddler an entire hodtog?  Grapes are also bad too.  That’s why you cut them!  A lot of this is common sense on the parents part to give your child age appropriate food and WATCH THEM while they eat.  They are not your mini mes, they are CHILDREN.  Try to pick up a pink pong ball with a vaccuum.  See how it sucks right into the hose?  I magine that as a hot dog and your childs wind pipe.  DING DING DING.

They put warnings of cancer and death on cigarettes and people still smoke, so warning labels on foods?  For food alergies yes, but wanting to change the shape of hot dogs?  That’s just plain ridiculous.

June 2nd, 2009 by IamDraven

If you tell me about how many tattoos you have (last patient had 17) and/or you have visible piercings, do NOT have the freaking nerve to scream and pull your arm away when you see the needle I’m about to draw your blood with.

I understand, the idea is somewhat scary. But if you if you pay someone to stick needles in you to put ink under your skin for art, or to push metal through parts of your body for decoration than think of me as an artist.  I’m going to put a lovely red puncture wound somewhere on your body.  Preferably one of your arms.  If you scream and act a fool you’ll have a lovely multi-colored bruise to frame that red puncture wound.  And your insurance is paying me (albeit through trickle economics) so it’s JUST like going to a shop for body art!  And you can always be sure my needles are sterilized!

And besides, I have drawn blood out of cadavers, when I worked for the eye bank.  If you’re afraid of the needle going in your arm I can show you how I get a 3 inch long needle and syrings and draw out of your groin or neck…  Happy labwork to all!

QUITYERBITCHIN’!

May 7th, 2009 by IamDraven

Methinks perhaps this will be a new “IamDraven special.” Just like my lovely J-Dub has her “Fun With Google” posts, I may start a Quityerbitchin’ section.  I get so annoyed sometimes and would like to call people on things that I really can’t get away with.  Technically, yes, it IS my bitching about people who are bitching, but I am cute, and have a wicked sense of humor, so I think I could pull it off.

Questions, Comments, Concerns?

Quityerbitchin’ for 5/7/09

If you are having a serum (blood) pregnancy test, are currently pregnant and having your fetal screening labs done, or have just given birth and are having your post delivery blood count done:  DON’T BITCH ABOUT HAVING A NEEDLE STUCK IN YOUR VEIN!  You are going to/have just given birth!  Do you realize how much smaller my 21/22/25 gauge needles are compared to the size of a newborn’s cranium?  Or is your hoo-ha just that stretched out that you don’t feel anything down there?  It’s a friggin needle!  It’s in your arm usually less than a minute!  GET OVER IT!

::steps down from soapbox::

Thank you, thank you very much…

QUITYERBITCHIN’!