June 30th, 2010 by IamDraven

I have some of the most interesting conversations on IM and text message.  People wonder why I break out into hysterical laughter sometimes.  I don’t have time to write  a real blog right now so I thought I’d share some of my funnies. (The black writings are my replies.)

*”I called your Eric a jerk.”

“It’s spelled Erik.  You called him a jerk of all things?”

“It’s all I could get out, if I said anything else I’d use every swear word out there plus make up some of my own as I went.”

Said only as my Skittelz could put it.

*”I only ask because I care about you and don’t want to see you hurt.  Are you sure you should start sleeping with your ex boyfriend again?”

“I NEVER slept with him.  EVER.  This would be the first time.”

“Oh.  In that case, let me rephrase my question.  WHEN are you going to start sleeping with him?”

An IRL convo with my other bestie, Joan.

*”I’ve always been fascinated with you since we grew up.  Even back in the days when you started writing and put it on your MySpace.  I subscribed so I could read everything.”

“Calling me fascinating was good enough but the reading my blogs?  That’s a certified panty dropper right there.”

“I wasn’t trying to get you to drop your panties, but I won’t say no to a panty-less woman.”

The artist otherwise known as CA

*”Sorry you two broke up.  Time to rebound!  Bar trolling for drunken frat boys Saturday?”

“Nope.  No self sabotage.  Instead I’m eating healthier and I joined a gym.”

“Jigga what?”

“Seriously”

“Who the fuck are you and how did you get Tracey’s phone?”

Dude, I heart Tewwy.

*”So that’s what happened?  I knew I fucked up, but I didn’t remember how.  I was pretty fucked up all together back then.”

“Yup.  Had your chance and blew it.  I was your first friend when you moved here in Jr. High and your assigned ‘wife’ in the family study in Econ class and you never said shit.  Five years after we graduated you finally got the chance to date me and screwed up royally.  Now I’m old and gray.”

“I thought you were gorgeous then, and more likely than not still are.”

“Could you possible text that to me daily?  If so I might be swayed to forgive all past transgressions.”

“I could make that happen.  I’d be more than happy to do it.”

IM from ‘Wonder if he’ll still think I’m gorgeous when he see’s me on Monday after seven years?

June 2nd, 2010 by IamDraven

Got ya!

The Rick Roll has evolved.

Awwwwww Bitches!

April 23rd, 2010 by IamDraven

I am a Dallas Cowboys fan.  A long suffering Cowboy’s fan.  My boyfriend is a Baltimore Raven’s fan.  Thankfully this does not cause us bloodshed during football season.  I’m even a good girlfriend and have a Raven’s jersey that I will wear when at his house and he’s watching a Raven’s game.

Last night, all that changed.  The NFL draft is causing me to be punished.

The Dallas Cowboys moved up in the draft Thursday to select Oklahoma State wide receiver Dez Bryant.

In exchange for the 24th selection, Dallas gave up its 90th pick (in the third round) for New England’s 119th (in the fourth round).

The selection of the 6-foot-2, 225-pound Bryant means the Cowboys will have a top-three receiving corps of Miles Austin, coming off a 2009 Pro Bowl year, Roy Williams, who has struggled in his two years with the Cowboys, and veteran Patrick Crayton.

The Cowboys also have young receivers Sam Hurd and Kevin Ogletree.

“If all goes well — not trying to talk noise — but if all goes well, we’ll have the best wide receiving corps in the league,” Williams said. “Dez is a big dude, he can play. He will help us win some ballgames.”

Jerry Jones’ selection has much to do with what he didn’t do in the 1998 draft. He passed on wide receiver Randy Moss and instead chose defensive end Greg Ellis from North Carolina.

Jones has regretted that decision since, trying to find a permier wide receiver in free agency. He signed Terry Glenn, Keyshawn Johnson, Terrell Owens and traded for Joey Galloway and Williams over the years.

Bryant was considered by many the best receiver in this draft, an All-American in 2008 when he turned 87 receptions into 1,480 yards and 19 touchdowns..

I offered to wear the Raven’s jersey to bed tonight, but I was informed that I need to say two Hail MArty’s and two Our Father’s.  But Erik style.

‘Hail Mary, full of grace, the lord is with thee, blessed is the fruit of thy arm Touchdown, hail mary pray for us fans now and at the two minute warning…Amen’

‘Ozzie Newsome, who art in the front office, we trust you with our draft, thy super bowl come, thy will be done, in the stands as in the vip suites, give us this day our next MVP and forgive us our doubts as we mock those who doubt us and lead us not into a losing season, but deliver us from the steelers, for thine is Ravens, the fans, and the superbowl forever and ever.’

I thought this was hysterical and had to share.

February 23rd, 2010 by IamDraven

Technically this could be a N.B.T., or a Quityerbitchin’ (Healthcare) but I’m going to use it as a Need A Laugh? and a commentary instead,

Does Takeru Kobyashi look like he’s choking?

In case you haven’t heard there is a big push from Pediatricians calling for hot dogs and other ‘choke happy’ foods to carry warning labels or have their shapes changed. 

Now don’t get me wrong.  I have seen and worked on chocking children.  It is not pretty.  It’s even uglier when they don’t survive.  But a lot of it is idiot parents.  Why are you giving a two year old toddler an entire hodtog?  Grapes are also bad too.  That’s why you cut them!  A lot of this is common sense on the parents part to give your child age appropriate food and WATCH THEM while they eat.  They are not your mini mes, they are CHILDREN.  Try to pick up a pink pong ball with a vaccuum.  See how it sucks right into the hose?  I magine that as a hot dog and your childs wind pipe.  DING DING DING.

They put warnings of cancer and death on cigarettes and people still smoke, so warning labels on foods?  For food alergies yes, but wanting to change the shape of hot dogs?  That’s just plain ridiculous.

January 24th, 2010 by IamDraven

My friend Joan works at the local paper and also has a blog for them based on life in York County.  Joan and I are both ‘York Countians’ and even went to high school together ( I regret to inform you she is several years YOUNGER than me ::sigh:: ) and met long before that at ‘church camp’ at Camp Penn when we were preteens. 

Now that you’ve stopped laughing about the fact that I went to church camp, I’ll continue with the post.

I was reading her archives and found one where she visited the Sloganizer that generates corporate slogans based around what words you enter.

For her name hers was “PREPARE TO WANT JOAN”

The link already had York filled in so my first one was:

“Who do you want to share a York with?” 

Because I’m a glutton for punishment, I did my name.  I did it 3 times just in case they’re weren’t funny.

Oh my…  I got:

“Tracey-Lickin’ Good”
“Make it a Tracey Night”
“Prepare to want Tracey”

So I figured I’d run though some of your names.  Now I know from my tracker that a good many people read this, but don’t comment so I’m going with my most loyal commenters. 

“Nothing comes between me and my ERIK”

“Because so much is riding on your JACQUE”

” Nobody better lay a finger on my FURY”

“Probably the best JOAN in the world.”

Get out there and ahve fun with it.  Leave me your first or best as a comment!

August 28th, 2009 by IamDraven

Public Announcement:  It’s just been one of those weeks, Two more days of work for me personally, and I just thought this was hilarious.  And I will now refer to certain patients as singing (or singing to the soybeans) now instead of ‘BAT SHIT CRAZY’

That is all…

::kisses::

August 11th, 2009 by IamDraven

There are a lot of mobile home parks  in my town.  Apparently one is closing it’s ‘doors’.  Which could be horrible for a number of reasons.  My town covers the trashiest of trash to the high class.  It’s always an interesting mix.  Mind you, I’ve always made jokes about trailer trash but my family started off in one.  In 1968 instead of going on a honeymoon, my parents took that money and bought an acre and a half of land and a trailer.  The put the trailer on the back of the property and lived there while they built their house.  I can see if that’s the only place you can live, you take what you can get.  But if you have no other choice but to live in a trailer, do you really want to play up to the stereotypes that go with that type of abode?  Sure, when interviewed by one of the local paper about your plight, go ahead and pose in front of your mass quantities of white, cotton, stretched out granny panties. 

I hope the photographer who got this shot was thinking what I’m thinking.  “This is too hilarious not to get on film!”

Sharon Burkholder, who has lived at Fair Valley Mobile Home Park for 10 years, will be forced to leave or move her mobile home by Jan. 15. (YORK DAILY RECORD/SUNDAY NEWS–JASON PLOTKIN)

July 22nd, 2009 by IamDraven