Countdown To Implosion in 5…4…3…2…
July 8th, 2010 by IamDraven
BOOM!
And this was where IamDraven’s head collapsed in.
Or, as Chasing Amy put it, “I just made your brain explode didn’t I?”
So, look, I’m a mess right now. The few hours of sleep I did get were after a ‘hell’ day at the gym and a 2 1/2+ hour phone convo with said head imploder.
By bestie, otherwise known as Skittelz had a blog style all her own. She just sits down at the keyboard, and types whatever comes to her. So I apologize ahead of time. I like to provide a good back story, and keep a time line in events but you’re lucky I remember how to spell my own name today.
I think I’ve decided to call the ‘new boy’ ‘Cane’. If you know who he really is, it’s not a leap to the nickname. In 8th grade I had the wonderful idea for the notebook. We’d get in trouble for passing notes, so I bought a spiral notebook and by best friends and I would write notes back and forth to each other in class and pass it off in the hall between classes. When 9th grade hit, we knew it was a good enough idea to continue, and the black notebook came into play with a new bestie we added to the group. (The ‘new’ bestie became my best friend throughout all of high school, and 12 years later I’d still trust Abi with my life, I just rarely get to see her anymore)
That was the start of nicknaming boys. We did it for all of the boys we liked. Chasing Amy was the original nicknamed one. He was known as ‘Lawnmower Man’. As the notebook faded, the nicknames stuck with Abi and I (who had about 5 code names a piece for each other) kept nicknaming the boys. It’s a tradition I stuck with ever since. Taylor Swift warns people that if she had a conversation with them longer than five minutes she might write a song about them. If I’ve dated or hardcore crushed on you, I’ve probably written about you, but I won’t use your real name on an unprotected blog without your permission. For example: Chris #1 was “He Who Shall Not Be Named”. Chris #2 was ‘XXX’. Mike became ‘Douchnozzle” after the fact (Thanks to Erik and that one really fit actually, lol) Erik was “Nerdling’ before we were officially a couple, etc. I’m sure you get the point.
Speaking of three of those freaking boys, what in the hell is up with boys from high school?!?! Chasing Amy, Cane and I were all in the same high school graduation class, and I dated Douchenozzle when I was a Junior in high school. I’ve talked to all of those boys in the same day this week. WTF?!
So things with Cane have been good. Every day I get a variation of what I”m calling the compliment text. Yesterday it was “Mornin beautiful. Hope u slept well.” (And anyone who knows me knows how much I HATE abbreviated texting but his phone has a T9 keyboard that doesn’t always work so I let the shit slide on that.)
Yesterday I was in Spin class at the end of my TWO hour gym visit. No, I didn’t take a nap while I was there. Can you believe that shit? My fat ass spent TWO hours working out! But anyway. I hobbled out of spin and when I got to my locker I saw my phone was flashing blue which means a missed call. Cane had called but he never leaves voice mails. I was in the process of leaving him a voice mail via speaker phone (because I was trying to mainline my Fruit Punch G2) I noticed I had a text from him telling me about power being out in our town. (I already knew of the clusterfuck that was going on in our town and surrounding areas) He called back as I was getting in my car and I asked if he wanted me to pick him up on my way home and go swimming at my house. He said, “actually that’s why I was calling. Our neighbor’s are letting us use their in ground pool while they’re on vacation and I wanted to know if you wanted to swim over here.” Well, simply put, I have a pool in my backyard, but an in ground pool less than 5 miles away from my house trumps my 32 foot above ground any day. He said that Baby Mama was still on her way to pick up Baby from his house and he wasn’t sure when she’s be there. I told him I was just leaving the gym and I’d call when I got home and changed. After I’d gotten home, ate a quick sandwich and put my suit on, I called and Baby Mama walked in the door. (Do I have timing or what?) He said he’d call back after she had Baby loaded up and was gone. 42 minutes later my phone rings. “Bitch is still here. She’s upstairs talking to my Mom and won’t leave.” (the day prior there was an argument about domestics and custody. Guess who has the baby 18 hours a day? It’s not Momma! But I digress.) He was apologizing and said that we’d have to forget about swimming and I said not to worry about it. He could call me whenever the hell she left. I wasn’t planning on us getting together, but thought he might need to vent. I later wound up with an IM apologizing that he had a meeting for his online gaming community, but if I wanted to come over we could hang out. So I got a shower and headed over. I got a kiss hello and the most hysterical part was when he apologized saying, “I’m sorry I’m not feeling real passionate tonight.” I told him it was ok. I said I had used up all my passion giving him that asthma attack the night before. (Yes, that is a true statement. If you want to know the details, ask. Bow chica wah ah…) We played video games for a while (I learned I suck at CoD and probably FPS’s in general) and while I was letting him play a round I answered an email from Chasing Amy. Well he didn’t know that when I reply from my phone it will say “Sent from my T-Mobile BlackBerry” or something like that. So he called thinking I replied from my laptop at home. I was at Cane’s. I answered and I promised that I would meet him for drinks, and just drinks Thursday night.
*Side note Cane knows about Chasing Amy. Chasing Amy knows about Cane. Apparently Chasing Amy reads my twitter and blog (learned this later last night). They just didn’t know who each other was in real life, which is hysterical because we were all in the same grade and school since Cane had moved here in 7th grade. Cane knew I was supposed to meet Chasing Amy Tuesday night (I ended up not going and watching a movie with Cane instead.) He said to me that evening, “Look, we haven’t had the talk about being exclusive yet so if that’s what you need to do, as long as you’re careful keep doing it as long as you need to. (I honestly think I fell in love with him a little at that.) Meanwhile Chasing Amy was scanning our Senior yearbook trying to figure out who Cane was. (Spoiler alert, Cane dropped out our Senior year and went to another school and finished before our regular school year was done at our Alma Matter. So he wasn’t in the Senior yearbook)
Chasing Amy requested I call him on my way home. I got my ass kicked at another level, and decided to call it a night while Cane was outside smoking. I paused the game and walked outside to him. After a few kisses goodnight I walked to my SUV. As I was driving home I thought I really should call Chasing Amy so I could stay awake. BIG MISTAKE. CA is an awesome guy. One of my best friends for years. To this day except for one of our other friends from school I know more about him and his secrets than anyone else. And he knows many of mine. But that man can unintentionally mind fuck me like no one else. How so?
That cock knocking chicken fucker (my favorite insult of all time that I rarely use because it’s that special to me) is JEALOUS of Cane. JEALOUS! JEALOUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS?!?!?!?!?!?!? ‘cuse me? Aren’t I your other woman? Do you not happen to have a live in relationship? At the same time I’ve obviously got issues because I was mildly flattered. He’s not throwing his hat in the ring to try to woo me, and he realizes how fucked up this all is, but he feels that way regardless. He was bummed when I got serious with Erik because he never got to hook up, but he said the fact that I was happy was more important than him being selfish and wanting me to himself. He was there for me when Erik and I broke up, but he freely admits that he was doing a mental fist pump that I was single again. When I declared myself single for life because ‘I’m 30 and too old for this shit’ he did the happy dance. When I said, “sure, lets just have an affair. I don’t expect it to ever be anything more than that. You’ll just be here as long as I need you, and when it’s not a good arrangement for either of us anymore we’ll go back to being friends” I’m sure he almost wet his pants. And everything was good. And then Cane found me again. And I still had feelings for him I’d almost forgotten about. And if you’re being ‘green’ (hey, I’m eco-friendly, I recycle ex boyfriends!) then in my eyes it’s not like really jumping back in the dating pool. Shit, Cane has drama in his life too. I’ve seen some bad shit. But I know his demons. He’s been up front about them, and I’ve been (almost) completely honest about my baggage. (He doesn’t need to know that I wonder if maybe he’s shagging baby mama still just because he told me before he found me he was still hitting it on the side just because he could.) I don’t know where Cane and I are, I don’t know where we’re going, and I wonder about RiverFest. Because he goes every year for three days and asked if I could take off work and go with him for those three days. (Guess who put in a vacation request yesterday? The same person who’s freaking out about going ‘away’ for three days with Cane. Not really in a bad way, I’ve just been battling a case of ‘girl’ brain lately.) And after a night like last night where we weren’t all cute and cuddly, (Tuesday night we cuddled and watched a movie and he fell asleep holding me. Weird yet nauseatingly cute.) when I’m not quite sure if he’s still ‘feeling’ me: at 8:43 this morning I get my cute ‘wake up’ message of the day. (He’s off today so he slept in. Normally I have it before I’m at work.
Speaking of the messages (I warned you fuckers I was going to be all over the place today) CA said that if were pursuing me, he’d be doing the same thing. He said I’m the kind of person who deserves to have that and he feels that I am beautiful. To prove the point? His favorite photo of me on my MySpace? Not the pin up shots from the posing I did but a photo of me taken by a friend’s cell phone. I was sleeping off a night of partying in a living room chair at a friends. I think my head is laying on my hands and I had just barely opened my eyes. I remember Bee (not his real name either but I’m not the one who nicknamed him) snapping the photo and scaring me. He had been watching me sleep. Transfixed. Said he needed to take the picture to remember it. I sleep hard. Sometimes I drool. When I’m sick and congested I sometimes snore. I won’t lie. I get white girl fro by the time I get up in the morning. I am a scary, scary sight in the morning. It probably doesn’t help that I am NOT a morning person at all. But for some reason I liked that picture. Apparently so did CA. He said he looks at that photo all the time (It’s at LEAST three years old), and may the Lord strike me dead if I’m lying but he actually said to me, “I thought wow, her eyes sparkle when she wakes up.” I never would have thought the word sparkle was in his vocabulary. He said he’s never got to see it because he’s never gotten to wake up beside me. I don’t know if he ever will.
And it’s not just that photo. Sometime I should blog the story of egg drop day (a special event in my Junior High Alma Matter’s history. It’s like graduation for 8th graders) but needless to say, somehow the photos he wanted to take of the girl he liked (who I was best friends with at the time) turned into more photos of me. And despite my denim on denim attire (look, I was 13. My Mother largely bought my clothes. I’d like to think that I’m now a successful fashionista with my own style) and the fact that to this day I hate having my photo taken he said I take a good photo. (crazy that I’ve even done paid modeling and still internally cringe when I see a camera come out.) The weirdest thing of that day is when something happened. I don’t know what the hell it was, because I had known him for three years prior. But that day I became ‘aware’ of him. His big dorky glasses and a Buffalo Bills t shirt, I didn’t know I liked him yet, but it was like suddenly I knew whenever he was around after that. I still remember that. And he got those photos out again last night to look at again. (I’ve requested to borrow them to see and make copies) He said how he’s never forgotten that in his Freshman yearbook I signed it as, “You’re cute since you got contacts.” I was such the suave girl even back then, lol.
I laid it all out. He knows I refer to him as Chasing Amy. It used to be his favorite Kevin Smith movie but before Mr. Film Critic slaughtered it I told him to shut up. I explained why it was my favorite movie, and it became my favorite movie after one pivotal scene but later at the end of the movie, it hit me that he was my Chasing Amy. I told him that I carried that torch for him for years. And I truly believe that he was my shot at love, and I messed up. It doesn’t matter that I was 15 when I broke his heart. All I know is that I may never love somebody like that ever again in my life. And for those naysayers, he was NOT my first love, or even my first boyfriend so don’t give me that line of shit. And I’m ok with that. I don’t think I have it in me to love someone like that ever again. I don’t think that now, the people we grew into, I don’t think we could love each other like that. And I’m ok with that. It doesn’t mean that I can’t love someone with all that I have. It just so happens that all I have is whatever I have left.
But the mind implosion was still to come. I broke down and told him who Cane is. Which surprised him having last seen him our Senior year and Cane looks completely different as I hope do I. He said if he were in Cane’s shoes, he’d do the same thing. Sending me cute text messages, emailing me, just generally reminding me that he found me attractive and worth putting in the effort to pursue me. And in the next breath he said, “but I’m bad for you. I’m like your ex, I think you deserve better than me.”
BOOM
“I just made your brain explode, didn’t I?”
Yes you fucking did.
I’m not even going to get into the part where he asked me out on a date. That deserves it’s own fucking blog post. Between two disconnects we spent close to three hours on the phone. Much of it me crying. About things in general. How I’m scared that Cane is going to hurt me again, that even though I think it’s best, I’m also a little sad that I’m most likely going to be alone for the rest of my life. It was a good conversation for us to have for the most part, as I finally told him everything instead of just alluding to it.
And we’re ok. We just aired everything out. And it was slightly hot that my ex was ’stalking’ me, lol. Just the cute internet searching, web page/social network viewing, looking at old photos, following me on twitter stalking. Not the I’m gonna follow you to work and camp out in your back yard at night stalking.
Apparently we’re going for drinks tonight too. He warned me if I’m not at my bar at 8 pm (he’s going to be there at 7:45 but he’s granted me my fashionably late time table) that he will drive to my house and drag me out of there cave man style by my hair.
The best part was the email he first sent me about the drinks:
So how would you feel about getting together for a completely chaste* drink tomorrow evening?
*completely chaste excludes any and all leering I might do in the course of said drink consumption
Even if he makes my brain explode, at least he can still make me laugh.
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- Posted in Blast From My Past, Everyday Life, Friends, Mojo, Regrets, Relationships, Social Life
