August 11th, 2010 by IamDraven

*DISCLAIMER*

I realize this shit is long.  Believe me, I already cut out parts of the conversation that didn’t really fit and I had to reformat the whole damn thing from a copy and pasted IM and change our real IM names to our nicknames for privacy.  I’m going to remove the rest of the timestamps and color code our text as I am able, but I’ve been getting enough emails that I needed to let you see the end of the “Chasing Amy’ saga.  So here it is:

 

ChasingAmy: think I might be the biggest asshole on the planet

Draven: Think?  Dude, I know you are.

ChasingAmy: I might have a photo of your bra in my phone that I forgot I took…

ChasingAmy: so i thought nothing of opening my images with her looking over my shoulder

Draven (10:26:34 PM): just me wearing my bra?

Draven (10:26:36 PM): OH FUCK

ChasingAmy (10:26:43 PM): OH FUCK

Draven (10:27:22 PM): is it just the bra or me wearing the bra

Draven (10:27:25 PM): you didn’t answer that

Draven (10:27:35 PM): IS MY FACE VISIBLE

ChasingAmy (10:27:35 PM): it’s you from like belly to neck

ChasingAmy (10:28:27 PM): it’s gone now, but significant damage is done that i’m praying is reparable

ChasingAmy (10:28:36 PM): no face

Draven (10:28:41 PM): yeah

Draven (10:28:44 PM): how’d that go over

ChasingAmy (10:29:09 PM): as you might expect…the real issue is that i panicked when she asked me what it was and lied at first

Draven (10:29:19 PM): un huh

ChasingAmy (10:29:40 PM): being no dummy, she knew i was lying..so when i told her a version of the truth, it really blew up

Draven (10:29:50 PM): what was the version

Draven (10:29:54 PM): does she know it’s me?

ChasingAmy (10:30:01 PM): yeah, she knows its you

Draven (10:30:32 PM): motherfucker

Draven (10:30:34 PM): what the hell

ChasingAmy (10:31:06 PM): i didn’t tell her i took it

Draven (10:31:09 PM): If I could reach through this laptop right now I swear to God

ChasingAmy (10:32:13 PM): i told her we chatted and sent pics

Draven (10:32:11 PM): so she thinks I somehow took this photo of myself and sent it to you?

Draven (10:32:19 PM): I don’t DO that

ChasingAmy (10:32:24 PM): she didn’t get a great look at it

Draven (10:32:27 PM): I can’t believe you

Draven (10:32:43 PM): that is not in my everyday repoitoire

ChasingAmy (10:32:52 PM): yeah…me neither

ChasingAmy (10:34:07 PM): of all the dumb things…i literally have no recollection of taking that picture

Draven (10:34:06 PM): yeah

Draven (10:34:12 PM): how’d that go over shithead

Draven (10:34:26 PM): well I didn’t know you took it either or I would have made you erase it

ChasingAmy (10:34:53 PM): i know

ChasingAmy(10:35:14 PM): it’s a mess, but it’s my mess

Draven (10:35:23 PM): but you lied about the mess and implicated me

Draven (10:35:33 PM): in something I didn’t even know existed

ChasingAmy (10:35:50 PM): and i’m very sorry

Draven (10:36:05 PM): I’m not a homewrecker but I’m being made out to be one

ChasingAmy (10:36:45 PM): not really

ChasingAmy (10:37:55 PM): i’m sorry

Draven (10:38:17 PM): doesn’t really fix things does it

Draven (10:38:32 PM): you did one seemingly innocent thing and pissed off the two women in your life

Draven (10:38:36 PM): way to go captain idiot

ChasingAmy (10:38:45 PM): yeah..i know

Draven (10:39:00 PM): how much did she blow up

ChasingAmy (10:39:05 PM): and now i’m on a air matress in my dad’s basement hoping to hell i can fix it

ChasingAmy (10:40:07 PM): i just wanted to tell you that it happened…honestly, she is pissed at me for lying about the picture

Draven (10:40:15 PM): what was the lie originally

ChasingAmy (10:40:50 PM): not a good one…i played dumb..i didn’t have a lot of time to react

ChasingAmy (10:42:23 PM): if anything…this probably uncomplicates your life since i’ll either be atoning until i’m dead or miserably out of commission

Draven (10:43:10 PM): uncomplicates my life?

Draven (10:43:26 PM): there’s a woman who is daydreaming about doing me bodily harm

Draven (10:43:31 PM): and she doesn’t even know the truth

ChasingAmy (10:43:33 PM): keep in mind, i have not nor would i ever admit anything beyond what i’ve told you

ChasingAmy (10:43:49 PM): she isn’t doing anyone bodily harm

ChasingAmy (10:44:15 PM): if she didn’t punch me in the face today, she isn’t going to

Draven (10:45:10 PM): well if she doesn’t know you cheated then she’ll probably take you back

ChasingAmy (10:46:38 PM): i hope so…typical guy…can’t realize how much things mean until you maybe throw them away

Draven (10:46:54 PM): well maybe you do love her then

ChasingAmy (10:47:08 PM): great time to come to that conclusion

Draven (10:47:13 PM): yeah well

Draven (10:47:23 PM): maybe you’ll get married and shit now

ChasingAmy (10:47:33 PM): never getting married

Draven (10:47:41 PM): i hope to God you removed my number from your phone

ChasingAmy (10:47:47 PM): i did

ChasingAmy (10:47:56 PM): i removed all traces of you

Draven (10:47:59 PM): good

ChasingAmy (10:48:07 PM): email, phone, twitter

Draven (10:48:07 PM): well thanks

Draven (10:48:10 PM): I feel great

ChasingAmy (10:48:15 PM): i completely closed myspace

Draven (10:48:32 PM): first my fever broke now you have me so pissed off I don’t even feel sick anymore

ChasingAmy (10:49:38 PM): i did what i could with a bad situation…if she takes me back, it means she has forgiven it…if she doesn’t, i don’t think we’ll be friends

Draven (10:49:52 PM): she’ll take you back

Draven (10:50:00 PM): no offense, but she’s 40, angry and chubby.  I’ve SEEN her.  It’s no wonder you want to rip my clothes off every time you see me, lol.

Draven (10:50:06 PM): you’re her best shot

ChasingAmy (10:50:10 PM): non taken

ChasingAmy (10:51:30 PM): how is your lovelife?

Draven (10:51:59 PM): oh my God

Draven (10:52:05 PM): if I could reach through here right now

ChasingAmy (10:52:15 PM): i’m asking innocently

Draven (10:52:17 PM): ‘hey, let’s hook up while you’re tempoarily single so you’ll have no guilt’

ChasingAmy (10:52:22 PM): obviously i’m can’t still be chasing you

Draven (10:52:26 PM): no shit. I was being sarcastic about the hooking up

ChasingAmy (10:52:38 PM): i am not temporarily single

ChasingAmy (10:52:47 PM): i am very much on probation

Draven (10:53:01 PM): well then no worries she’s taking you back if she didn’t dump you on sight

ChasingAmy (10:54:30 PM): two things, though…you might want to make your myspace private and make a new tweet that will subplant the current

Draven (10:54:42 PM): i thought it was private

Draven (10:54:50 PM): subplant?

ChasingAmy (10:55:51 PM): only the current tweet seems to stay up on myspace.

Draven (10:56:05 PM): i didn’t even know it was synced

Draven (10:56:12 PM): I didn’t even tweet today

ChasingAmy (10:56:37 PM): maybe not a tweet…the line that comes up here

Draven (10:57:26 PM): um, nothing shows up on my end?

ChasingAmy (10:57:31 PM): ok

Draven (10:57:34 PM): and according to my settings my page is private

ChasingAmy(10:58:20 PM): like i said, i deleted the whole account….she might click through my friends, but i don’t even think she knows a last name to search you

Draven (10:58:30 PM): my last name isn’t lissted

ChasingAmy (10:58:37 PM): ok

Draven (10:58:55 PM): ah, I see it now

Draven (10:59:05 PM): that didn’t involve you but I can see how paranoia might ensue

ChasingAmy (10:59:29 PM): i’m giving you a heads up because you are implicated, but i’m 99 percent certain the blowback on this is coming right back in my face

Draven (10:59:43 PM): as rightly it should

ChasingAmy (10:59:52 PM): i know

ChasingAmy (11:00:02 PM): of all the dumb things

ChasingAmy (11:00:24 PM): why would i even take a picture? i never look at pictures in my phone

Draven (11:00:35 PM): i don’t know

Draven (11:00:40 PM): Lancaster was mostly a bad night

ChasingAmy (11:00:51 PM): yeah?

Draven (11:00:55 PM): yeah

Draven (11:00:56 PM): my phone locked in the room? remember?

ChasingAmy (11:01:03 PM): right

Draven (11:01:02 PM): you taking photos of me without me knowing

ChasingAmy (11:01:22 PM): you’re facing me though…i’m not sure how you didn’t know

Draven (11:01:33 PM): was I changing?

Draven (11:01:46 PM): I was trashed when we got there

Draven (11:01:52 PM): but I was sober, but distracted when we left

ChasingAmy (11:01:55 PM): i think so, you must have been changing…i honestly didn’t have a lot of time to look at it before i deleted it

ChasingAmy (11:02:22 PM): it was probably when we both got there trashed, when such a thing would seem like a good idea

Draven (11:02:32 PM): you were cheating

Draven (11:02:37 PM): therefore photos of me were never a good idea

ChasingAmy (11:03:35 PM): yeah…i am very aware of this, and considering i almost never take photos, i could kill myself for coming to the ridiculous conclusion that that was the time…fine tits or no

Draven (11:03:47 PM): well, thanks for the backhanded compliment

ChasingAmy (11:04:16 PM): nothing backhanded…apparently your boobs actually made me retarded for a minute

Draven (11:04:40 PM): lmfao

ChasingAmy (11:06:09 PM): the one thing further complicates matters is that there is a history between us, and she is reading that as i was interested in moving on, even if only in my mind

Draven (11:06:36 PM): ah

Draven (11:06:46 PM): well, explain to her we were both closing a chapter?

Draven (11:06:52 PM): not creating a new one together?

ChasingAmy (11:07:12 PM): yeah…i’m not sure how to proceed or how much more i’m going to have to tell.

Draven (11:07:26 PM): maybe you should leave out that she and I have the same birthday and the morning of our shared birthday you were out having sex with me while she was at work?

ChasingAmy (11:07:40 PM): all sex will be left out

Draven (11:07:52 PM): tell her I was upset abotu Erik

Draven (11:07:56 PM): you took me out to get me trashed

Draven (11:08:07 PM): and we made bad decisions based on said alcohol after we got home

Draven (11:08:12 PM): that way we don’t look so bad

Draven (11:08:16 PM): it doesn’t look planned

ChasingAmy (11:08:22 PM): there in lies the rub…i can’t actually be friends with you

Draven (11:08:29 PM): now, or prior?

Draven (11:08:36 PM): both?

ChasingAmy (11:08:39 PM): not in the last two years

Draven (11:08:44 PM): why not?

ChasingAmy (11:10:06 PM): because then this was a thing that developed and i have actually gotten together with you in what would only be construed as flirty circumstances culminating in this photo…then suddenly it might be that i took the photo

Draven (11:10:39 PM): ah

Draven (11:10:48 PM): um, we ran into each other at a bar?

Draven (11:10:59 PM): do you go out on your own normally?

ChasingAmy (11:11:23 PM): i do, but because of how she and i got together, that isn’t always a great time, either

Draven (11:11:34 PM): well I’m trying to think here.  This is YOUR fuck up that I have to help clean up now.

Draven (11:11:47 PM): trying to help you make up something believeable from a woman’s point of view

ChasingAmy (11:11:50 PM): i went with the complete online version

Draven (11:11:57 PM): which is?

ChasingAmy (11:12:29 PM): you had a horrible breakup, sent me a message, we chatted a bit and it got silly

Draven (11:12:34 PM): ok

Draven (11:12:39 PM): which is based in truth

Draven (11:12:44 PM): where did I send you a message

Draven (11:12:46 PM): myspace?

ChasingAmy (11:12:54 PM): hotmail

Draven (11:12:56 PM): email

Draven (11:12:57 PM): ok

Draven (11:13:09 PM): I get by with drunken emailing

Draven (11:13:21 PM): I did hole up at my best friends house with a case of woodchuck and blog

ChasingAmy (11:13:33 PM): you’ve always had my number since my number hasn’t changed for 10 years

ChasingAmy (11:13:38 PM): when?

Draven (11:13:41 PM): it probably will now

Draven (11:13:44 PM): the day I got dumped

ChasingAmy (11:13:57 PM): can you please not blog about this?

Draven (11:14:00 PM): that day I got a hold of her by magic and she was at her ex husbands with the kids

Draven (11:14:30 PM): I spent a few days in airville with no cell phone service and drunk so this is honestly all completely plausible

Draven (11:14:35 PM): you mean in case she finds my blog?

ChasingAmy (11:15:47 PM): yeah

ChasingAmy (11:16:07 PM): i don’t really think she’s going to traipse around the net looking, but all the same

Draven (11:16:17 PM): yeah well, let me put it this way

Draven (11:16:22 PM): I’m going to blog about it

ChasingAmy (11:16:25 PM): at least maybe give it a few days to see how things shake out

Draven (11:16:27 PM): it own’t be pretty

Draven (11:16:37 PM): but I’ll leave it private for a bit to blow over

ChasingAmy (11:16:45 PM): ok

ChasingAmy (11:16:58 PM): can you give me a heads up about that?

Draven (11:17:04 PM): why

ChasingAmy (11:17:13 PM): courtesy

Draven (11:17:24 PM): k

Draven (11:18:32 PM): if i were you thought I’d probably not want to read it

ChasingAmy (11:18:51 PM): i’ll read it…i’m a big boy.

ChasingAmy (11:19:30 PM): who can take a perfectly good electric flirtation and turn it into collossal shit Draven

(11:19:47 PM): yeah Draven

(11:19:54 PM): you’ve got the anti midas touch

Draven (11:19:59 PM): you turn everything to shit

ChasingAmy (11:20:01 PM): this i do

ChasingAmy (11:20:11 PM): aren’t you glad you didn’t end up with me

Draven (11:20:22 PM): aren’t you glad I didn’t end up with you

ChasingAmy (11:22:27 PM): but i am seriously asking with no ulterior motives if things are going well for you (tangental connection to my misery not-with-standing)

Draven (11:22:29 PM): because you’d be wearing a toe tag right now

Draven (11:22:41 PM): no

Draven (11:22:48 PM): things are not going well for me right now thank you very much C

hasingAmy (11:23:17 PM): what’s wrong aside from captain dipshit here?

Draven (11:23:44 PM): I don’t even know if it’s safe to have this converstaion with you

Draven (11:23:48 PM): have you been drinking?

ChasingAmy (11:23:53 PM): not a drop

Draven (11:23:58 PM): cause when we talk late at night you MAKE ME CRY

ChasingAmy (11:24:43 PM): this brush with calamity has suggested to me that the whiskey should probably take a backseat and never be consumed alone

Draven (11:24:52 PM): yeah

ChasingAmy (11:25:21 PM): a better person is going to come out the end of this if there is indeed an end to this

Draven (11:25:29 PM): well, then maybe it was all for the best

Draven (11:25:38 PM): there’s an end either way

Draven (11:25:50 PM): it’s just a question of if it’s the end you want

ChasingAmy (11:26:23 PM): the end i want is a second chance to not be an asshole

Draven (11:26:37 PM): yeah well I think you’ll get it

Draven (11:26:54 PM): just don’t ever forget that your second chance is still based in lies

Draven (11:27:02 PM): and because of that I have to lose one of my best friends

ChasingAmy (11:27:14 PM): i know

Draven (11:27:16 PM): and maybe that’s selfish of me, but so be it

ChasingAmy (11:27:51 PM): you are talking to captain selfish…this whole mess is me being selfish

Draven (11:28:14 PM): yeah

Draven (11:28:19 PM): maybe I can learn a lesson from you

Draven (11:28:29 PM): keep myself from being hurt by anyone, just be a selfish bitch from now on

Draven (11:28:33 PM): go back to being the ice queen

ChasingAmy (11:30:07 PM): i was in a fine situation that i honestly don’t find lacking (contrary to the claims of most cheats) and the only reason i started this thing with you was for pure pleasure…that is the definition of selfish

Draven (11:30:16 PM): yeah

Draven (11:30:23 PM): I started it to end it

Draven (11:30:29 PM): I had different reasons

ChasingAmy (11:32:05 PM): i was driven by pure lust, which is a toxic mixer with cheap bourbon…a thing that caught me off guard because i’m usually not that much of a man.

ChasingAmy (11:32:21 PM): do you ever watch madmen

Draven (11:32:25 PM): no

ChasingAmy (11:33:24 PM): then it wouldn’t make sense, but i was watching that show the other night and this situation came to me and i realized that i am pete campbell..that is not a good thing to realize

Draven (11:33:40 PM): and who is pete cambell and why are you him

ChasingAmy (11:35:06 PM): he’s weasely and selfish…in this episode, his wife is away for the weekend and he bangs the german nanny downstairs….it goes unstated, but he knows and she knows and they look at eachother and he says “don’t ever go away again.”

ChasingAmy (11:35:11 PM): pathetic

Draven (11:39:04 PM): yeah D

raven (11:39:13 PM): to be honest if I man cheats with you it’s likely he will cheat on you, and you cheated on your wife with her. 

Draven (11:39:25 PM): known fact

Draven (11:39:35 PM): which is why I never even imagined that you and I would work out

ChasingAmy (11:41:20 PM): well, i’m hoping there can be one more attempt and that i don’t have any more gnawing curiosities out there

Draven (11:41:40 PM): well, you claimed that you always wanted to know about us

Draven (11:41:46 PM): so now you know

ChasingAmy (11:41:56 PM): know i do

Draven (11:41:55 PM): you can carry out the rest of your life never wondering

ChasingAmy (11:42:57 PM): the worst thing in the time that you’ve been finding more fitting suitors is that i always hoped there would be one more time

Draven (11:43:17 PM): more fitting?

Draven (11:43:25 PM): you mean like the one who’s girlfriend LETS him cheat?

ChasingAmy (11:43:42 PM): is that Cane?

Draven (11:43:45 PM): no

Draven (11:43:48 PM): that’s G.I. Joe

ChasingAmy (11:44:02 PM): damn…shit’s getting complicated in your world

Draven (11:44:10 PM): what can I say

Draven (11:44:16 PM): apparently I’m a great fuck

Draven (11:44:26 PM): Like you said there’s always suitors, just a question of them being ‘more fitting’ in your words

ChasingAmy (11:44:31 PM): you are damn sexy, it’s no wonder 

ChasingAmy (11:44:59 PM): well, get away from dating sites

Draven (11:45:06 PM): I’m not ON dating sites

Draven (11:45:11 PM): I dated G.I. Joe before

Draven (11:45:15 PM): when I was in Lancaster

ChasingAmy (11:45:19 PM): oh

Draven (11:45:22 PM): I work with his brother

Draven (11:45:42 PM): his brother was one of my best friends but I dont’ see him much since I transferred and we work opposite shifts

Draven (11:45:55 PM): Cane, that boy confuses me

ChasingAmy (11:46:00 PM): obviously i’m not going to have any good advice

Draven (11:46:03 PM): and how I feel about him confuses me

ChasingAmy (11:46:07 PM): why’s that?

Draven (11:46:06 PM): I wasn’t looking for any advice

ChasingAmy (11:46:57 PM): it normally finds you when you’re not looking

Draven (11:47:13 PM): and I wasn’t looking for a new boyfriend

ChasingAmy (11:47:15 PM): ok

ChasingAmy (11:47:23 PM): then vent away as you see fit

Draven (11:47:25 PM): I wasn’t looking to date ever again

ChasingAmy (11:47:54 PM): i don’t think that that is a viable approach for you

Draven (11:48:06 PM): why not?

ChasingAmy (11:48:32 PM): you seem to naturally get involved,  You may not be looking for it but it always finds you. 

ChasingAmy (11:49:37 PM): no…i can’t picture you being a wife with kids, but i also don’t think that you can be a playa as the street cats put it

Draven (11:50:00 PM): thank you

Draven (11:50:08 PM): that’s the first time someone has said that

ChasingAmy (11:50:22 PM): is this sarcasm?

Draven (11:50:24 PM): no

ChasingAmy (11:50:30 PM): ok C

hasingAmy (11:50:33 PM): you are welcome

Draven (11:50:37 PM): I’m told by guys all the time that I’d be such a good wife someday

ChasingAmy (11:51:20 PM): what do you want?

Draven (11:51:30 PM): to be happy

ChasingAmy (11:52:11 PM): as do we all

Draven (11:52:24 PM): I’d maybe like to be a wife and Mother

Draven (11:52:30 PM): but I’d like to do it on my on terms

ChasingAmy (11:52:55 PM): it sounds like you need to shoot for older dudes

Draven (11:53:04 PM): I’m already 30

Draven (11:53:13 PM): and I’m not out looking for that

Draven (11:53:19 PM): if the right guy came along, I’d do it

ChasingAmy (11:53:37 PM): fair enough…but i think that might be an ideal situation if you could find it

Draven (11:53:46 PM): I don’t think I can find it

Draven (11:53:56 PM): and I’ve resigned myself to such

Draven (11:54:03 PM): it was all I ever wanted when I was younger

Draven (11:54:10 PM): but I grew up much different than I’d planned

ChasingAmy (11:54:56 PM): because no offense to Cane, but a partially employed guy living with his parents is putting yourself into a deep hole in terms of realizing those family dreams

Draven (11:55:13 PM): he’s fully employeed but he pays child support, it’s not like he’s blowing his money on stupid shit. And I live with my parents too

ChasingAmy (11:55:22 PM): ok…sorry

ChasingAmy (11:55:36 PM): but is still an obstacle D

raven (11:55:46 PM): yeah

Draven (11:55:53 PM): everything about Cane is an obstacle

ChasingAmy (11:57:43 PM): if i can’t fix my shit, i’m going to be a partially employed guy living with my parents

Draven (11:57:55 PM): but with no kids

ChasingAmy (11:58:05 PM): or more likely renting a room from that woman in east end

Draven (11:59:20 PM): lmfao

Draven (11:59:25 PM): you’ll be going back to Lancaster

Draven (11:59:36 PM): and I’ll never see/talk to you again

Draven (11:59:40 PM): there go all my summer movies, now I have no one to hit the theater with 

ChasingAmy (12:00:08 AM): i hope so…i really have a broken heart today

ChasingAmy (12:00:55 AM): i haven’t done much other than cry and puke

Draven (12:01:04 AM): that’s sad

ChasingAmy (12:01:39 AM): i can’t keep food down

Draven (12:01:41 AM): but I’d be lying if I didn’t hold a small ammount of glee in that

ChasingAmy (12:01:50 AM): you’re allowed

Draven (12:03:41 AM): I’m going to be selfish

ChasingAmy (12:03:51 AM): ok

Draven (12:03:53 AM): and turn the conversation back to me

ChasingAmy (12:04:04 AM): please do

Draven (12:04:20 AM): as far as Cane goes…

Draven (12:05:45 AM): I don’t know if I’m trying because I know it will fail and that makes it safe for me

Draven (12:05:53 AM): or I’m trying because I really do care that much about him

ChasingAmy (12:06:44 AM): is your concern incompetency?

Draven (12:06:50 AM): no

Draven (12:07:02 AM): my concern is I told him I don’t want to push anything.  I’m so afraid to move forward I’m second guessing everything. 

Draven (12:07:06 AM): I told him that I want to be ‘friends’

Draven (12:07:12 AM): and he’s ok with that too

Draven (12:07:19 AM): I don’t want to jump into it and rebound from Erik

Draven (12:07:26 AM): and he feels the same

ChasingAmy (12:07:49 AM): ok

ChasingAmy (12:08:12 AM): didn’t take you a few months to turn the corner with that guy?

Draven (12:08:22 AM): huh?

ChasingAmy (12:10:14 AM): Erik

Draven (12:10:26 AM): 6 months from insignificant other to GF

ChasingAmy (12:10:28 AM): wasn’t that friends with benefits for a long time?

Draven (12:12:00 AM): we were never really friends to start with

Draven (12:12:05 AM): it was a blind date

ChasingAmy (12:12:11 AM): ok

Draven (12:14:56 AM): He was with Baby Mama 5 years.  He told me that me wanting to be ‘friends’ gives him time to figure things out

Draven (12:15:00 AM): he’s never been single long

Draven (12:15:18 AM): and if it gave us time for things to work out between us so be it

Draven (12:15:25 AM): and he talks to everyone about me

Draven (12:15:32 AM): he talks to the guys on xbox about me

Draven (12:15:36 AM): the guys at work know about me D

raven (12:16:28 AM): and he asked me to go see Buzzy’s band in September with him and I’m freaking out about that far in advance.

ChasingAmy (12:16:59 AM): well…that’s sort of how plans work

Draven (12:17:25 AM): PLANS MEAN WE WILL STILL BE SPENDING TIME TOGETHER THAT FAR IN ADVANCE

Draven (12:17:37 AM): and who does that freak out?  ME!

ChasingAmy (12:17:48 AM): at least together enough to go to a show

Draven (12:18:35 AM): his Mom called me his girlfriend today

Draven (12:18:39 AM): I quickly corrected her

ChasingAmy (12:18:40 AM): if you’re basically undefined, i don’t see how it matters…people who hang out make plans to do shit

Draven (12:20:56 AM): because I don’t know if I want to be undefined. I don’t know if I want to run. This is NOT the normal me

Draven (12:21:07 AM): I’m hoping that the mind blowing sex is just clouding my sanity

ChasingAmy (12:21:29 AM): well, it is kind of early yet

Draven (12:21:33 AM): yeah

Draven (12:21:36 AM): it’s only in a month

Draven (12:21:51 AM): and we’re different people than when we dated before

Draven (12:22:11 AM): when I explained the friend thing I said it wasn’t just about dating him anymore

Draven (12:22:17 AM): I told him he was a ready made family now

Draven (12:22:23 AM): and I didn’t think anything of it

ChasingAmy (12:22:26 AM): keep in mind i only developed one relationship under normal circumanstances and i was 17 at the time

Draven (12:22:37 AM): Today the storm woke me up

Draven (12:22:49 AM): and I ran out in a panic (with my pants on inside out) because my windows were down

Draven (12:23:06 AM): this man gags until he vomits when he changes a poopy diaper

Draven (12:23:22 AM): I heard him retching in the kitchen because we were at his home alone and I was asleep and she needed changed

Draven (12:23:33 AM): I told him he could have woken me up so I could change it for him

Draven (12:24:44 AM): and he said it’s my ready made family, it’s my responsibility

Draven (12:25:14 AM): I must have looked like he hit me because he smiled at me and told me it was ok but I couldn’t believe he remembered that

Draven (12:25:28 AM): Hell, I’m not used to men paying attention to me when I speak, let alone remember what I said

ChasingAmy (12:26:42 AM): yeah…but it’s been a month…that line might be able to fly after diamond jewerly is introduced, and then you have to look carefully at the ring

Draven (12:26:55 AM): lmfao what?

ChasingAmy (12:27:50 AM): and he said it’s my ready made family, it’s my responsibility

ChasingAmy (12:27:55 AM): even as a joke

Draven (12:28:00 AM): yeah

Draven (12:28:08 AM): cause I used that line on him when we had the friend talk I initated

ChasingAmy (12:28:29 AM): ok

Draven (12:28:49 AM): I’m not getting how that and jewelry come into play

ChasingAmy (12:29:58 AM): the ready made family could be considered your responsibiltiy if you offer yourself as mommy, which would require a token of permanence, one would think

Draven (12:30:38 AM): ah, yes. I was just offering to be nice, because I know he doesn’t do well with them

Draven (12:32:12 AM): I’m hoping the sex is just clouding my sanity.

ChasingAmy (12:32:33 AM): well, i’m glad you’re having great sex, anyway

Draven (12:32:32 AM): and it’s that I’m greedy and don’t want to share with anyone

Draven (12:32:39 AM): best sex of my life. Sorry, You were some of the best I’ve ever had, but he IS the best. EVER.

ChasingAmy (12:32:47 AM): very nice

Draven (12:32:49 AM): I seem to want it more than him

Draven (12:33:11 AM): Saturday night I was like look, I bought this underware specifically because it’s they style and color you like, the least I could do is get laid.  Then, shit was on, lol.  Honestly, all I have to do is ask, so it’s not like there’s an issue with me getting it really. 

ChasingAmy (12:33:23 AM): lol

Draven (12:33:30 AM): but he’s been sick the last two weeks so no kissing or oral which is lousy. Just straight up crazy sex

Draven (12:33:45 AM): I am not liking boy shorts so far

ChasingAmy (12:34:02 AM): he requested a switch?

Draven (12:34:02 AM): it’s nice because I can literaly walk around my house in my undies and be cool when my parents are home

Draven (12:34:15 AM): but it feels like a diaper in comparison

Draven (12:34:16 AM): no

Draven (12:34:19 AM): he said mine were fine

Draven (12:34:23 AM): he just likes big asses.  He even complained that my ass is getting too toned and doesn’t jiggle enough for him when we do it doggie, lol.  He said he has to find a new favorite position with me.

Draven (12:34:35 AM): He mentioned once what really shows them off big asses is white boy shorts and he had a weakness for it

ChasingAmy (12:34:44 AM): i could see that

Draven (12:34:50 AM): I had two pairs I was gifted but never wore

Draven (12:35:08 AM): and I bought a 3 pack at old navy and a white pair at another store

Draven (12:35:15 AM): it could be that I’m misjudging my size

 Draven (12:35:21 AM): with the weight loss it’s hit or miss lately

Draven (12:35:36 AM): I seem to be smaller than I think I am

ChasingAmy (12:35:39 AM): right

Draven (12:35:43 AM): cause I’ve lost 19 so far but I still don’t see it

Draven (12:35:55 AM): I mean, the other night my favorite jeans came off with a tug

Draven (12:36:03 AM): while still buttoned and zipped

Draven (12:36:15 AM): and my work clothes fit different but I look in the miror and I don’t see it

ChasingAmy (12:36:35 AM): i lost about 7, but the combination of manual labor and inablitity to keep food down might drop it a few more in the coming days

Draven (12:36:42 AM): true dat

Draven (12:36:52 AM): heartache is a great weight loss plan

Draven (12:37:06 AM): i drank the first few days post break up

Draven (12:37:18 AM): skittelz force fed me half a chicken patty before dosing me with Ambien

ChasingAmy (12:37:20 AM): i’m trying not to drink

Draven (12:37:29 AM): I slept maybe 2 hours with a 10 mg and alcohol in me

ChasingAmy (12:37:46 AM): i did take ambien…that walrus has been lurking for about an hour now

Draven (12:37:52 AM): lmfao.  I’m so glad I have someone to share that joke with 

Draven (12:37:58 AM): but I’m still angry with you

Draven (12:38:05 AM): but I’m a little sad for you too

ChasingAmy (12:38:08 AM): understood

ChasingAmy (12:38:29 AM): you can be angry, but please don’t manifest that anger in anything that can do more damage

Draven (12:38:46 AM): I’m not going to call LGH and ask for her and tell her the truth if that’s what you’re afraid of

ChasingAmy (12:38:55 AM): i know

Draven (12:39:09 AM): I didn’t go into this intending to break you up so I could have you for myself

ChasingAmy (12:39:11 AM): the burden of secrets

Draven (12:39:16 AM): yeah

Draven (12:39:23 AM): I’m going to have to be your ‘Rat’ like the Potter’s had for the rest of your life

ChasingAmy (12:39:24 AM): i know…we were very clear on that

Draven (12:39:33 AM): and because of that I also have to lose you as my friend

Draven (12:39:35 AM): for real this time

ChasingAmy (12:39:54 AM): we can still chat here, but the drinks are probably out

Draven (12:40:04 AM): Now I’m always going to think of you when I see Harry Potter, lol

Draven (12:40:15 AM): yeah, you drinking with me around is bad

ChasingAmy (12:40:20 AM): i dug myself a terrible hole

Draven (12:40:23 AM): I can control myself, but you have some lacking there

ChasingAmy (12:40:52 AM): that last night at cobble’s, i swear i was fine with getting in the car and going home, and then you kissed me

Draven (12:41:00 AM): I felt guilty that’s why I kissed you goodbye

ChasingAmy (12:41:18 AM): that’s what i mean…i’m not used to being driven by pure lust like that

Draven (12:41:34 AM): I guess I should take that as a compliment but it feels more like a slam

ChasingAmy (12:41:43 AM): it’s not

Draven (12:42:04 AM): You were rubbing my back and eyeing me up the whole time

Draven (12:42:44 AM): and the God’s honest truth?

ChasingAmy (12:43:00 AM): oh well…that is in the past, and i’m sorry that my sudden onset maleness set you to bed crying on two occasions.

ChasingAmy (12:43:03 AM): shoot

Draven (12:43:05 AM): I ended up going to Cane’s after that.

Draven (12:43:13 AM): wasn’t planned

Draven (12:43:20 AM): but he texted me to ask me why I hadn’t stopped over

ChasingAmy (12:43:22 AM): that makes sense

Draven (12:43:48 AM): I couldn’t sleep with him after being that close to you

Draven (12:43:51 AM): but I did go and hang out

Draven (12:44:38 AM): and I take it the walrus is coming for you

Draven (12:44:51 AM): and this time at least you didn’t make me cry the whole time

Draven (12:45:02 AM): but I’ll get the rest of it out of my system before I go back to sleep

ChasingAmy (12:45:08 AM): yeah…tables they be turned this round Draven (12:45:19 AM): ?

ChasingAmy (12:45:30 AM): with the crying to sleep Draven

(12:45:51 AM): ah well, true Draven

(12:45:58 AM): but you were doing that before we talked

Draven (12:46:05 AM): I am not a direct results of that

ChasingAmy (12:46:10 AM): yeah…no cause of you

ChasingAmy (12:47:00 AM): and seriously…i know you need to fume to get your head right, but please take some time before you throw that shit out into the world

Draven (12:47:16 AM): I will

Draven (12:47:27 AM): I’ll wait till I get back from vacation

Draven (12:47:30 AM): how’s that

ChasingAmy (12:47:42 AM): when is that?

Draven (12:47:58 AM): Cane said we’ll get back late evening on the 8th

ChasingAmy (12:48:16 AM): ok…hopefully i’ll know what’s going on by then

Draven (12:48:24 AM): you’ll be back home by then

ChasingAmy (12:48:46 AM): i don’t suppose you could private your last rant?

Draven (12:48:58 AM): which one is that

ChasingAmy (12:49:02 AM): she said i need to go away for the weekend…my figures are crosses

Draven (12:49:06 AM): where you made my head explode?

ChasingAmy (12:49:10 AM): yeah

Draven (12:49:18 AM): I’ll make it private for the time being but I am NOT erasing it.

ChasingAmy (12:54:39 AM): thanks

Draven (12:55:02 AM): yeah

Draven (12:55:06 AM): good luck

ChasingAmy (12:55:12 AM): thanks

ChasingAmy (12:55:20 AM): sorry i dragged you into this in this way

Draven (12:55:25 AM): so am I

Draven (12:55:32 AM): I’m going to pray for you

ChasingAmy (12:55:48 AM): this pagan just might do some praying for himself

Draven (12:55:59 AM): because honestly that’s what I think you need the most

ChasingAmy (12:56:01 AM): whatever will fix this

Draven (12:56:06 AM): look

Draven (12:56:08 AM): it’s fixed

Draven (12:56:13 AM): she’s gonna take your sorry ass back D

raven (12:56:19 AM): I’m a woman

Draven (12:56:22 AM): I know these things

Draven (12:56:36 AM): I’ll get an ‘you were right’ email by monday

ChasingAmy (12:56:37 AM): i’m still putting those odds at 50/50…there could still be more questions.

ChasingAmy (12:57:02 AM): i’m waiting for the phone records to come out

Draven (12:57:12 AM): oh fuck she wants to see them?  Because you call me A LOT

ChasingAmy (12:57:38 AM): not yet, but that is a variable that is in play

Draven (12:57:49 AM): PLEASE black my number out

Draven (12:57:50 AM): I like it I don’t want to have to change it

Draven (12:58:19 AM): and I agree

ChasingAmy (12:58:20 AM): i didn’t know this, but her best friend’s husband got into hot water with a cellphone picture

Draven (12:58:26 AM): leave the sex out

Draven (12:58:29 AM): but

Draven (12:58:32 AM): you can tell the truth

Draven (12:58:40 AM): that I had a bad breakup and got a little self destructive

Draven (12:58:46 AM): maybe she can relate to that

ChasingAmy (12:58:52 AM): maybe

ChasingAmy (12:59:03 AM): doesn’t account for me going along

Draven (12:59:08 AM): whiskey baby all whiskey

ChasingAmy (12:59:13 AM): that’s the sticking point here

Draven (12:59:23 AM): blame it on alcohol

ChasingAmy (12:59:38 AM): great answer…i love you, but i happen to want to fuck other chicks when i get drunk

Draven (12:59:45 AM): ooh good point

Draven (12:59:52 AM): well

Draven (12:59:56 AM): you told her you loved her

Draven (12:59:59 AM): maybe that will work

ChasingAmy (1:00:09 AM): it’s all i’ve got right now

Draven (1:00:09 AM): cause she doesn’t know about her ambien break down asking to be loved

Draven (1:00:21 AM): so maybe if you say it first

ChasingAmy (1:00:29 AM): oh yes she does….that came up

Draven (1:00:37 AM): ohhhhhhhhh how’d that go

ChasingAmy (1:00:56 AM): not great.  led to a discussion of definitions

Draven (1:01:09 AM): ?

ChasingAmy (1:01:19 AM): what do we mean by love

Draven (1:01:24 AM): hrm ok I thought it was universal

ChasingAmy (1:01:45 AM): i think i’ve gotten to the issue of why i couldn’t say it, but it doesn’t help now

ChasingAmy (1:03:22 AM): seriously, i don’t do a whole lot to deserve friends, but thanks for doing this tonight

Draven (1:03:28 AM): yeah. I agree. You don’t deserve me in any way, shape or form, lol

Draven (1:03:32 AM): proof that despite all I really am one of your best friends, lol.

Draven (1:04:12 AM): now go the fuck to bed

ChasingAmy (1:04:21 AM): what are you doing tomorrow night?

Draven (1:04:28 AM): which tomorrow

Draven (1:04:33 AM): Friday or Saturday

ChasingAmy (1:04:36 AM): friday

Draven (1:04:40 AM): I don’t think anything do you need some time?

ChasingAmy (1:05:00 AM): ok..i was just wondering in case there are any updates

Draven (1:05:04 AM): I can bring tissues and Ben & Jerry’s

Draven (1:05:13 AM): look, J, anytime you need me you can call me

ChasingAmy (1:05:22 AM): she is off tomorrow night, so she will be sitting around in her own head

Draven (1:05:25 AM): that’s the whole point of friends

Draven (1:05:30 AM): sexual history, romantic history or not

Draven (1:05:35 AM): when I needed someone when Erik and I broke up, I called Joan, then you

Draven (1:05:42 AM): and that is not easy for me to do

Draven (1:05:46 AM): admit that I need people

Draven (1:05:55 AM): I like to be self reliant, because you can’t let yourself down

ChasingAmy (1:06:11 AM): i think that i proved that wrong today

Draven (1:06:31 AM): no you didn’t

ChasingAmy (1:06:45 AM): i let myself down big

Draven (1:06:57 AM): maybe this happened for a reason

ChasingAmy (1:07:05 AM): maybe

Draven (1:07:16 AM): if you hadn’t gone retarded and snuck that photo in you might never have realized you actually do love her

ChasingAmy (1:07:40 AM): right

Draven (1:07:46 AM): and like I said

Draven (1:07:49 AM): it’s you or be single

Draven (1:07:55 AM): she’ll take your crazy ass back

ChasingAmy (1:08:14 AM): lol ChasingAmy (1:08:33 AM): ok…good night

ChasingAmy (1:08:41 AM): thanks again for being understanding

Draven (1:08:43 AM): I’ll check in on you tomorrow

Draven (1:08:53 AM): no problem. I’m awesome on so many levels, lol

Draven (1:08:58 AM): NOW GO THE FUCK TO BED

Draven (1:09:08 AM): or the Walrus will eat you alive

Draven (1:09:09 AM): lmfao

Draven (1:09:45 AM): ok, seriously

Draven (1:09:51 AM): GO THE FUCK TO BED

ChasingAmy (1:09:58 AM): good night

August 3rd, 2010 by IamDraven

Sooooooooooo…

Cane asked me to spend a weekend with him.  Not just our usual hanging out all weekend, but ‘go away’ for the weekend.  A friend of his has a house on the river (with his in-laws next door) and every year for a 3 day weekend they shut down the two houses and it becomes a private party.  Invitation only, food provided, entertainment provided type of awesomeness.  He invited me to go.  Since Erik had planned to take me camping for my birthday pre breakup, I’ve been itching for a camping trip.  I was psyched to be invited. 

Neither of us own a tent.

I put out a tweet asking if anyone had one we could borrow.   One of my besties sitting beside me in the staff meeting as I sent it leaned over and said I could borrow hers.  Problem solved.  Awesomeness abounds.  My vacation request was approved and the world continues to move smoothly.

Friday I picked Cane up from work (he works very close to my gym so on the days he works I give him a lift home if I’ve been at the gym after work.) and we headed to my friends house to pick up the tent.  As we thought, her boyfriend and Cane hit it off.  The start of a beautiful bromance.  We all set the tent up and tore it back down to ensure we knew what we were doing on our own.  I was antsy to get him home because I knew BM would be coming to get Bing shortly and she still was in the dark about me even existing.

Before long his phone rang, he looked down and said, ‘It’s Baby Mama.” As I put my hand up to say ‘don’t’ he flipped open his phone and said, “Are you at the house yet?”

The world slowed down to a crawl as I heard him say, “no, I’m not home yet.  My Mom still has Bing.  I’m out with Draven picking up a tent.”

And my world caved in.

I heard her scream through the phone.  I must have tripped while standing still because the next thing I knew my friend was holding me up and I felt my legs shake.  Her boyfriend backed away while the screaming match accelerated.  I was out of it for most of it but when I heard him say, “I told you we’d work things out” something in me snapped.  I got in my SUV and waited.  I was so mad and upset that I was visibly shaking.  Finally he got in and sat down while still screaming.  He said something to her about pissing her off and I said, “Yeah well you pissed me off too, way to go Captain Hero.” 

He looked over at me shocked, then didn’t even notice as I did well over 80 mph getting him home.  He hung up with her shortly before I got to his house.  He apologized to me and I snapped at him telling him I didn’t want to hear it.  I told him I was pissed off and he didn’t understand why.  I asked him why he had to tell her he was out with me.  One of the main reasons we are not a couple is because we both got out of relationships recently.  We don’t want to be a rebound for each other, and we have stuff we need to work on from the first time we were together.  He and I are ‘just friends’ as far as anyone is concerned (his Mom says ‘call it what you want, but you’re his girlfriend’).  So why tell her he was out with me?  He told me that he didn’t want to have to hide me anymore.  I told him I appreciated the gesture, but he should have asked me before throwing me directly into the boiling pot of crazy.

He agreed and apologized and asked what was wrong.  I said, “whatever happened to you to being done forever and laying groundwork to see if we can work things out?  When I hear you tell me that you’re going to work things out with her I gotta wonder why I wasted my time on you again.” 

He looked at me blankly and I could see him trying to figure out what happened.  “You mean when I said we;d work things out?  I told her before we’d work things out in regards to having to raise Bing.  Not as a couple.  She knows what I mean, I didn’t realize how it must have sounded to you.”

“You also didn’t realize how it sounded to my friends, or how it looked when you went atomic in the middle of their driveway.”  He visibly paled and I continued to fume.  I pulled into the bank parking lot a block up from his house and pulled sideways across three parking spots, squealing my tires in the process.  He stared at me for a second and I knew he was trying to think of something to say but I stared straight ahead. 

Finally he got out of the SUV and got his work bags from the hatch.  He came back to the passenger side  and stuck his head in and said, “I’m sorry.  I don’t know what else to say except I’m sorry.”  He walked away dejectedly as I tore out of the parking lot, trying to put as much distance between him and I before I broke down in tears.

July 8th, 2010 by IamDraven

BOOM!

And this was where IamDraven’s head collapsed in.

Or, as Chasing Amy put it, “I just made your brain explode didn’t I?”

So, look, I’m a mess right now.  The few hours of sleep I did get were after a ‘hell’ day at the gym and a 2 1/2+ hour phone convo with said head imploder.

By bestie, otherwise known as Skittelz had a blog style all her own.  She just sits down at the keyboard, and types whatever comes to her.  So I apologize ahead of time.  I like to provide a good back story, and keep a time line in events but you’re lucky I remember how to spell my own name today.

I think I’ve decided to call the ‘new boy’ ‘Cane’.  If you know who he really is, it’s not a leap to the nickname.  In 8th grade I had the wonderful idea for the notebook.  We’d get in trouble for passing notes, so I bought a spiral notebook and by best friends and I would write notes back and forth to each other in class and pass it off in the hall between classes.  When 9th grade hit, we knew it was a good enough idea to continue, and the black notebook came into play with a new bestie we added to the group.  (The ‘new’ bestie became my best friend throughout all of high school, and 12 years later I’d still trust Abi with my life, I  just rarely get to see her anymore)

That was the start of nicknaming boys.  We did it for all of the boys we liked.  Chasing Amy was the original nicknamed one.  He was known as ‘Lawnmower Man’.  As the notebook faded, the nicknames stuck with Abi and I (who had about 5 code names a piece for each other) kept nicknaming the boys.  It’s a tradition I stuck with ever since.  Taylor Swift warns people that if she had a conversation with them longer than five minutes she might write a song about them.  If I’ve dated or hardcore crushed on you, I’ve probably written about you, but I won’t use your real name on an unprotected blog without your permission.  For example: Chris #1 was “He Who Shall Not Be Named”.  Chris #2 was ‘XXX’.   Mike became ‘Douchnozzle” after the fact (Thanks to Erik and that one really fit actually, lol) Erik was “Nerdling’ before we were officially a couple, etc.  I’m sure you get the point.

Speaking of three of those freaking boys, what in the hell is up with boys from high school?!?!  Chasing Amy, Cane and I were all in the same high school graduation class, and I dated Douchenozzle when I was a Junior in high school.  I’ve talked to all of those boys in the same day this week.  WTF?!

So things with Cane have been good.  Every day I get a variation of what I”m calling the compliment text.  Yesterday it was “Mornin beautiful.  Hope u slept well.” (And anyone who knows me knows how much I HATE abbreviated texting but his phone has a T9 keyboard that doesn’t always work so I let the shit slide on that.)

Yesterday I was in Spin class at the end of my TWO hour gym visit.  No, I didn’t take a nap while I was there.  Can you believe that shit?  My fat ass spent TWO hours working out!  But anyway.  I hobbled out of spin and when I got to my locker I saw my phone was flashing blue which means a missed call.  Cane had called but he never leaves voice mails.  I was in the process of leaving him a voice mail via speaker phone (because I was trying to mainline my Fruit Punch G2) I noticed I had a text from him telling me about power being out in our town.  (I already knew of the clusterfuck that was going on in our town and surrounding areas)  He called back as I was getting in my car and I asked if he wanted me to pick him up on my way home and go swimming at my house.  He said, “actually that’s why I was calling.  Our neighbor’s are letting us use their in ground pool while they’re on vacation and I wanted to know if you wanted to swim over here.”  Well, simply put, I have a pool in my backyard, but an in ground pool less than 5 miles away from my house trumps my 32 foot above ground any day.  He said that Baby Mama was still on her way to pick up Baby from his house and he wasn’t sure when she’s be there.  I told him I was just leaving the gym and I’d call when I got home and changed.  After I’d gotten home, ate a quick sandwich and put my suit on, I called and Baby Mama walked in the door.  (Do I have timing or what?)  He said he’d call back after she had Baby loaded up and was gone.  42 minutes later my phone rings.  “Bitch is still here.  She’s upstairs talking to my Mom and won’t leave.” (the day prior there was an argument about domestics and custody.  Guess who has the baby 18 hours a day?  It’s not Momma!  But I digress.)  He was apologizing and said that we’d have to forget about swimming and I said not to worry about it.  He could call me whenever the hell she left.  I wasn’t planning on us getting together, but thought he might need to vent.  I later wound up with an IM apologizing that he had a meeting for his online gaming community, but if I wanted to come over we could hang out.  So I got a shower and headed over.  I got a kiss hello and the most hysterical part was when he apologized saying, “I’m sorry I’m not feeling real passionate tonight.”  I told him it was ok.  I said I had used up all my passion giving him that asthma attack the night before.  (Yes, that is a true statement.  If you want to know the details, ask.  Bow chica wah ah…)  We played video games for a while (I learned I suck at CoD and probably FPS’s in general) and while I was letting him play a round I answered an email from Chasing Amy.  Well he didn’t know that when I reply from my phone it will say “Sent from my T-Mobile BlackBerry” or something like that.  So he called thinking I replied from my laptop at home.  I was at Cane’s.  I answered and I promised that I would meet him for drinks, and just drinks Thursday night.

*Side note Cane knows about Chasing Amy.  Chasing Amy knows about Cane.  Apparently Chasing Amy reads my twitter and blog (learned this later last night).  They just didn’t know who each other was in real life, which is hysterical because we were all in the same grade and school since Cane had moved here in 7th grade.  Cane knew I was supposed to meet Chasing Amy Tuesday night (I ended up not going and watching a movie with Cane instead.)  He said to me that evening, “Look, we haven’t had the talk about being exclusive yet so if that’s what you need to do, as long as you’re careful keep doing it as long as you need to.  (I honestly think I fell in love with him a little at that.) Meanwhile Chasing Amy was scanning our Senior yearbook trying to figure out who Cane was.  (Spoiler alert, Cane dropped out our Senior year and went to another school and finished before our regular school year was done at our Alma Matter.  So he wasn’t in the Senior yearbook)

Chasing Amy requested I call him on my way home.  I got my ass kicked at another level, and decided to call it a night while Cane was outside smoking.  I paused the game and walked outside to him.  After a few kisses goodnight I walked to my SUV.  As I was driving home I thought I really should call Chasing Amy so I could stay awake.  BIG MISTAKE.  CA is an awesome guy.  One of my best friends for years.  To this day except for one of our other friends from school I know more about him and his secrets than anyone else.  And he knows many of mine.  But that man can unintentionally mind fuck me like no one else.  How so?

That cock knocking chicken fucker (my favorite insult of all time that I rarely use because it’s that special to me) is JEALOUS of Cane.  JEALOUS! JEALOUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS?!?!?!?!?!?!?  ‘cuse me?  Aren’t I your other woman?  Do you not happen to have a live in relationship?  At the same time I’ve obviously got issues because I was mildly flattered.  He’s not throwing his hat in the ring to try to woo me, and he realizes how fucked up this all is, but he feels that way regardless.  He was bummed when I got serious with Erik because he never got to hook up, but he said the fact that I was happy was more important than him being selfish and wanting me to himself.  He was there for me when Erik and I broke up, but he freely admits that he was doing a mental fist pump that I was single again.  When I declared myself single for life because ‘I’m 30 and too old for this shit’ he did the happy dance.  When I said, “sure, lets just have an affair.  I don’t expect it to ever be anything more than that.  You’ll just be here as long as I need you, and when it’s not a good arrangement for either of us anymore we’ll go back to being friends” I’m sure he almost wet his pants.  And everything was good.  And then Cane found me again.  And I still had feelings for him I’d almost forgotten about.  And if you’re being ‘green’ (hey, I’m eco-friendly, I recycle ex boyfriends!) then in my eyes it’s not like really jumping back in the dating pool.  Shit, Cane has drama in his life too.  I’ve seen some bad shit.  But I know his demons.  He’s been up front about them, and I’ve been (almost) completely honest about my baggage.  (He doesn’t need to know that I wonder if maybe he’s shagging baby mama still just because he told me before he found me he was still hitting it on the side just because he could.)  I don’t know where Cane and I are, I don’t know where we’re going, and I wonder about RiverFest.  Because he goes every year for three days and asked if I could take off work and go with him for those three days.  (Guess who put in a vacation request yesterday?  The same person who’s freaking out about going ‘away’ for three days with Cane.  Not really in a bad way, I’ve  just been battling a case of ‘girl’ brain lately.)  And after a night like last night where we weren’t all cute and cuddly, (Tuesday night we cuddled and watched a movie and he fell asleep holding me.  Weird yet nauseatingly cute.) when I’m not quite sure if he’s still ‘feeling’ me: at 8:43 this morning I get my cute ‘wake up’ message of the day.  (He’s off today so he slept in.  Normally I have it before I’m at work.

Speaking of the messages (I warned you fuckers I was going to be all over the place today) CA said that if were pursuing me, he’d be doing the same thing.  He said I’m the kind of person who deserves to have that and he feels that I am beautiful.  To prove the point?  His favorite photo of me on my MySpace?  Not the pin up shots from the posing I did but a photo of me taken by a friend’s cell phone.  I was sleeping off a night of partying in a living room chair at a friends.  I think my head is laying on my hands and I had just barely opened my eyes.  I remember Bee (not his real name either but I’m not the one who nicknamed him) snapping the photo and scaring me.  He had been watching me sleep.  Transfixed.  Said he needed to take the picture to remember it.  I sleep hard.  Sometimes I drool.  When I’m sick and congested I sometimes snore.  I won’t lie.  I get white girl fro by the time I get up in the morning.  I am a scary, scary sight in the morning.  It probably doesn’t help that I am NOT a morning person at all.  But for some reason I liked that picture.  Apparently so did CA.  He said he looks at that photo all the time (It’s at LEAST three years old), and may the Lord strike me dead if I’m lying but he actually said to me, “I thought wow, her eyes sparkle when she wakes up.”  I never would have thought the word sparkle was in his vocabulary.  He said he’s never got to see it because he’s never gotten to wake up beside me.  I don’t know if he ever will.

And it’s not just that photo.  Sometime I should blog the story of egg drop day (a special event in my Junior High Alma Matter’s history.  It’s like graduation for 8th graders) but needless to say, somehow the photos he wanted to take of the girl he liked (who I was best friends with at the time) turned into more photos of me.  And despite my denim on denim attire (look, I was 13.  My Mother largely bought my clothes.   I’d like to think that I’m now a successful fashionista with my own style) and the fact that to this day I hate having my photo taken he said I take a good photo.  (crazy that I’ve even done paid modeling and still internally cringe when I see a camera come out.)  The weirdest thing of that day is when something happened.  I don’t know what the hell it was, because I had known him for three years prior.  But that day I became ‘aware’ of him.  His big dorky glasses and a Buffalo Bills t shirt, I didn’t know I liked him yet, but it was like suddenly I knew whenever he was around after that.  I still remember that.  And he got those photos out again last night to look at again. (I’ve requested to borrow them to see and make copies)  He said how he’s never forgotten that in his Freshman yearbook I signed it as, “You’re cute since you got contacts.”  I was such the suave girl even back then, lol.

I laid it all out.  He knows I refer to him as Chasing Amy.  It used to be his favorite Kevin Smith movie but before Mr. Film Critic slaughtered it I told him to shut up.  I explained why it was my favorite movie, and it became my favorite movie after one pivotal scene but later at the end of the movie, it hit me that he was my Chasing Amy.  I told him that I carried that torch for him for years.  And I truly believe that he was my shot at love, and I messed up.  It doesn’t matter that I was 15 when I broke his heart.  All I know is that I may never love somebody like that ever again in my life.  And for those naysayers, he was NOT my first love, or even my first boyfriend so don’t give me that line of shit.  And I’m ok with that.  I don’t think I have it in me to love someone like that ever again.  I don’t think that now, the people we grew into, I don’t think we could love each other like that.  And I’m ok with that.  It doesn’t mean that I can’t love someone with all that I have. It just so happens that all I have is whatever I have left.

But the mind implosion was still to come.  I broke down and told him who Cane is.  Which surprised him having last seen him our Senior year and Cane looks completely different as I hope do I.  He said if he were in Cane’s shoes, he’d do the same thing.  Sending me cute text messages, emailing me, just generally reminding me that he found me attractive and worth putting in the effort to pursue me.  And in the next breath he said, “but I’m bad for you.  I’m like your ex, I think you deserve better than me.”

BOOM

“I just made your brain explode, didn’t I?”

Yes you fucking did.

I’m not even going to get into the part where he asked me out on a date.  That deserves it’s own fucking blog post.  Between two disconnects we spent close to three hours on the phone.  Much of it me crying.  About things in general.  How I’m scared that Cane is going to hurt me again, that even though I think it’s best, I’m also a little sad that I’m most likely going to be alone for the rest of my life.  It was a good conversation for us to have for the most part, as I finally told him everything instead of just alluding to it.

And we’re ok.  We just aired everything out.  And it was slightly hot that my ex was ’stalking’ me, lol.  Just the cute internet searching, web page/social network viewing, looking at old photos, following me on twitter stalking.  Not the I’m gonna follow you to work and camp out in your back yard at night stalking.

Apparently we’re going for drinks tonight too.  He warned me if I’m not at my bar at 8 pm (he’s going to be there at 7:45 but he’s granted me my fashionably late time table) that he will drive to my house and drag me out of there cave man style by my hair.

The best part was the email he first sent me about the drinks:

So how would you feel about getting together for a completely chaste* drink tomorrow evening?

*completely chaste excludes any and all leering I might do in the course of said drink consumption

Even if he makes my brain explode, at least he can still make me laugh.

July 1st, 2010 by IamDraven

I wanted to use the same song for this planned three blog arc, but 7 Weeks by Gym Class Heroes really works for this month.  At 7 weeks post break up I was back in Frederick picking up the rest of my things and on the way home this song came up in my iPod shuffle list.  It’s about being on the road and touring, but it fits my break up too.

Pete told me I had 60 days to get over Erik.  Today is two months since I got dumped.  I think I’m pretty much there.  Which surprises me.  A coworker told me yesterday, ‘girl, I love your attitude.  You got your heart broken and you’re out there kicking ass and taking names.  I’d be sitting at home crying.”  I laughed.  How many nights did I cry myself to sleep?  I lost count. I knew it wasn’t the end of the world, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t kill a part of me.

Erik called me on my birthday. (I have reason to believe the boys were behind that because when I saw him pop up on my BlackBerry screen the boys booked it to the lobby.) I couldn’t understand most of what he was saying (music was loud and I was being served Margarita’s the size of my head) but besides the birthday wishes was something he said about moving on.  I’m not sure what exactly but I knew it was time.  So I did.  I’m not seriously dating, but I’ve moved on from him.  (more on this in following blog posts.)  I think that was the final nail in the coffin.  When I saw him Saturday, I instantly ached, but it was just the ache of, “I used to care so much about you” not “I want you back, please take me back, I’m dying without you”.

A friend asked if we were getting back together and I just stared at her like she had grown a second head.  I know he’s had some things he’s been dealing with since we broke up.  Mainly one thing in general, but me, I’m not even the same person I was when I was with him.  I’d like to think I’ve changed for the better.  I’m not even sure the me I am now could be in a relationship like the old me was in.  I’m grateful to him.  I love him for being him, because he was what I needed at the time.  I don’t know how I could have gotten through the past year without him.  But it’s a new year, and it’s definitely a new me.

(Click link in blog for complete lyrics. this is just a sampling of the most fitting ones)
Hangovers, hangups, dialbacks, running make up, apologies and promises

Every road signs a reminder of exactly why I did it to begin with

This is how it has to be
A kiss for luck, submerge myself
And in 7 weeks resurface
Even if we don’t look back again

To the public eye we’re perfect

Cause you paint a pretty picture but the frame is so ugly

Home ain’t home no more, I hug the road and kiss the concrete and sometimes I even hear his heartbeat…

June 23rd, 2010 by IamDraven

I used to love you.

I used to be your girlfriend.

I used to be the only girl who had broken your heart, now I’m just the first that did.

I used to think you were the one that got away.  My ‘Chasing Amy’

I used to live in that city.  Farthest away from my family that I’d ever lived.

I used to wonder what it would be like to kiss you again, after teaching you how to kiss so many years ago.

I used to wonder if as adults, we’d have any chemistry.

I used to wonder if that nervous tension I felt around you was only on my side.

I used to wonder if the passion we thought we felt was real.

I used to wonder what would happen if we ever got alone behind closed doors.

Now, knowing the answers to what I used to wonder, someday I’ll look back and say, “I used to wonder how long this would last.”

June 14th, 2010 by IamDraven

And I had every opportunity to.  Chasing Amy took me out for drinks for my birthday.  And the option for a two person after party was already on the table before tonight even came.  And it got close.  Oh so close.  I have no alcohol tolerance anymore.  And Tequila was a close personal friend of mine back in the day when I actually used to have a few drinks on the weekends.  And Lisa (the bartender) made sure Mr. Jose Cuervo came to pay me his birthday respects.  (Did I mention C.A. picked the bar I used to work at for our night out?)  Did you ever hear the song Tequila makes her clothes fall off?  I was wearing a new dress or that might have happened.

He’s older than me by 7 months and since I was with Erik on his birthday, I didn’t go out with him for his birthday as promised.  So I made sure I bought him his birthday round to make up for lost time.  He bought me a round.  We bought ourselves another round…

He kissed me.  And forgive the cliche, but it was magical.  I was his first kiss (but he was not mine), and 15 years later we still have amazing chemistry.  It would have been so easy to go to a room with him and spend all night there.  But as he was kissing me, in the back of my mind I kept thinking, “this isn’t right.”  And I was thinking of Erik.  It felt so strange kissing someone else after having been with only Erik.  And if I was thinking that while C.A. was kissing me, how could I sleep with him?

And ladies and gentlemen, that is why I’m home, blogging, before it’s even last call.

Happy Birthday To Me…

June 1st, 2010 by IamDraven

A month ago today my heart was wrenched from my chest with brute force.  A man I had invested over a year getting to know, and developing a relationship with decided we shouldn’t be together anymore.

It amazing how much I’ve changed in this last month.

The day we broke up I couldn’t even stand at times.  Last night I walked 1 1/4 miles in 20 minutes.  (My best time so far.)

The day we broke up my best friend had to force feed me because I couldn’t stop crying and she knew I should eat.  Now I track what I eat and in the last 20 days I’ve lost 9.2 lbs.

Every day after he got done work he’d call me.  Now my phone lights up with all my friends asking if I can hang out since I’m not out of state all the time.

Before the break up I rarely went out.  My boyfriend was sober for 3+ years and I felt guilty.  Now I’ve gone out, had a beer, laughed with my friends and even got up and danced.  Hell, I even remembered how to flirt again.  (Although I learned early Monday morning that I’m not ready to do more than flirt.  Want to see something funny?  You missed me freak out at cute boy from last weekend planting a kiss on my neck when he walked me to my car that morning.)

I still cry sometimes.  But now I make it days between tears instead of minutes.  I know eventually he’s going to call and tell me to come get the rest of my things and I dread that.  I miss him.  I really do.  But at the same time not having to see him has been good for me.  I have no idea how I’ll handle it being there in that apartment again, packing up dishes and dvd’s.  Thankfully I got most of my clothes out of that place.  I really am glad that we broke up before we went through with officially moving in together.  That would have been even messier.  We have tickets to see Green Day in August and I don’t know what we’re going to do about that.  I really want to go, but as much as I want us to be friends, I’m not sure if we’ll be able to do it.  There are a lot of uncertain roads in this trip but I’m doing my best to navigate them.

All I can say is:

My name is Tracey.  I’m almost 30 and my life just fell apart.  But I WILL kick this heartache’s ass or die trying.

Tracey S******d, phlebotomist. A woman barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild her. We have the technology. We have the capability to build a new woman. Tracey S******d will be that woman. Better than she was before. Better, stronger, faster.

May 10th, 2010 by IamDraven

Ok, so maybe I’m going to lapse into old blogging habits and use a song lyric post.

Friday I ended up staying late at work since I didn’t have any set plans. I was finally on my way home and noticed a van pulled off the road at my nest door neighbor’s house. There are a lot of accidents on our road so I was getting ready to pull over to see if the person needed help when I saw there were talking on their cell phone. Then I saw it’s the flower shop that delivered to my house the last time Erik sent me flowers. (When my SUV was totaled). Which is very unusual since they’re from center city near my work.)

Now I realize that Mother’s day was this weekend. But I’d be lying if for a second I didn’t think “He’s sorry, he misses me, he sent me flowers.”

I am an idiot.

May 1st, 2010 by IamDraven

Tomorrow would be a year since Erik and I’s first date.  But, instead, today we broke up.  It’s the most civil, adult breakup I’ve ever been through, but I think I may the most crushed ever.  Not only did I lose a boyfriend, but I really and truly lost my best friend.  That’s the worst part.  Our relationship grew out of what ended up being an amazing friendship.  Every single friend I’ve talked to today think he’s going to miss me and we’ll get back together but I don’t believe that will happen, as nice as the thought may be.  I haven’t been holding it in well all day, so I’m going to end on this.  After my list of tweets, it was just easier to make a post than keep crying my way through phone conversations.  And I canceled my date tonight so stop giving me grief.  I’m trying not to use self destructive behavior since I’m on my own.  It’s hard to be strong when the one you learned to depend on is no longer there for it.

Good night

December 18th, 2009 by IamDraven

I heard this song on my way home last night and it reminded me where I was a year ago.  I had a ring on my left ring finger that felt like it was made of acid.  Every time I looked at it I got angry and tried to remind myself I was supposed to love the man who put it on my finger, even though I truly had no respect for him, was full of resentment towards him, and yes, even hated him.  Even telling him things directly to his face, so I was passive aggressive via my music choices.  If telling him to his face wasn’t getting it through, at least I could sing along with someone who understood. 

This Christmas I’m in a much more stable relationship with someone who has a job, a car, a driver’s license, personal hygiene habits and doesn’t live under his parents thumb at age 32 (especially since he’s 28), and no ring on my finger this time.  As angry as I was towards Mike last year, I couldn’t be much happier with Erik than I am now.

 God has truly blessed me this holiday…

 

Energy – Keri Hilson

I wish I could rip out a page of my memory, ’cause I put to much energy in him and me.  Can’t wait till I get through this phase cause it’s killin’ me.  To bad we can’t rewirte our own history

Such a mystery,
When he’s here with me,
It’s hard to believe I’m still lonely,
Chances fadin’ now,
Patience runnin’ out,
This ain’t how it’s supposed to be.

I’m havin’ nightmares from sleepin’ with the enemy,
How do we reverse the chemistry?
I don’t want us to be the end of me
This love is takin’ all of my energy.

Seems only like yesterday,
Not even gravity could keep your feet off the ground when you’re with me,
How can two be as one  have become so divided now?
There’s no use hidin’ from misery, (no).

Now I can feel you changin’ me
and I can’t afford to slip much further
from the person I was meant to be.

I’m not afraid to walk alone
not giving up but moving on
before it gets to deep
cause your taking all of my energy.

You’re killin me ,
You’re takin’ all of me, yeah, oh ohh.

(This love is takin’ all of my energy.)